useful (in)fertility terms

Inferguilty – how you feel when you’re having a bad day and you read someone’s post announcing their pregnancy and you are overcome with the urge to kill them.

The-Mom-meter – instrument for determining best time to get pregnant.

Ovu-ology - the [inexact] science of attempting to determine the timing of ovulation.

Mucuscide – having mucus that kills your darling husband’s sperm.

Briefectomy – furtive removal of all tight-fitting briefs from your husband’s underwear drawer.

“Looteal” phase: [For women seeing an RE] The period of time between cycles when all of the insurance statements/doctor’s bills come in from the beginning of the cycle. Also a time to save $$ for the upcoming cycle.

Assincline – the odd-looking practice of elevating a woman’s buttocks after intercourse in order to maximize the sperm’s ability to swim for the egg.

Butt-propositioning – the act of having one’s butt up on pillows and trying to look graceful in that position.

Feather-butting – the ungraceful act of a woman propping her butt up on FEATHER pillows after sex to improve the chances of conception.

Buttressing – the act of firmly putting your feet on your lover’s back as he lifts up and shoves pillows under your butt (for the assincline, feather-butting position). Buttressing often needs to be repeated to make sure you get the proper assincline.

Sperm washing – what you have to do to the sheets when hubby accidently falls off the pillows at JUST the wrong moment and / or you cough/sneeze/laugh just after that precise moment.

Piddlesticks – an exclamation made after mistakenly splashing on the window of an ovulation predictor kit or home pregnancy test urine-stream stick, as in “Oh piddlesticks.”

Missedconception – the pathetic belief that you actually would have conceived if you and your partner hadn’t avoided sex while you were having a MASSIVE fight; also the pathetic belief that you actually would have conceived if you and your partner hadn’t avoided sex in spite of being toooo tired because you both had worked 15 hour days for the previous three.

Mythconceptions – what happened on Mad About You and any urban folklore about people who got pregnant on vacation, after they adopted, etc.

Preconception – the insane belief that you will get pregnant before you have to do IVF.

Preconceived notion – the idea (before trying to get pregnant) that one will get pregnant within a month or two, three at the most.

Hormonophobia – [For DH] dread fear of saying the wrong thing to your wife when she is on fertility drugs.